Dear Crohn’s Disease: I Don’t Want to Fight You Anymore

I know we have history and mine is hating you — hating you for ruining my life by changing it forever. You have thrown me for a loop these past eight years. You nearly destroyed my body twice. You made me more self-conscious than I already was. My lips will never be the same.

But, I am no better. I resented you and tried to make you disappear by acting like you did not exist. I blamed you for all the bad in my life, though a lot of it is your fault. I saw you as an abusive relationship. However, you are not a human and I cannot get rid of you completely. You will always be a part of me.

So, I am no longer going to see you as an enemy. When I break you down, you are just my immune system getting confused. It is still bad, but you are the result of an accident. I cannot really get mad at that logic. I am not angry anymore. I am offering a truce. We have a confusing relationship and that is OK.

I cannot fight anymore but I am not giving up. We should be partners, not enemies. I am not suggesting we be friends; I just do not want to fight you as I have been for almost a decade. I am finally making peace with my new “normal.” I am accepting the fact I cannot eat as I used to and I will be OK with it. I know I cannot do everything the way I want to and I am fine with that.

Nothing will ever be the same as before. That’s why it is called a “new normal.” I hope you can forgive me for resenting you for so long. I know this is unexpected but it is also long overdue.

Let me be clear: I will never love you. Just because I am dropping my weapons does not mean we can be best friends forever. I am aware you are unpredictable, like a hurricane, and could try to destroy me at any minute. I just want to stop the battle for now. I am not giving up or giving in. I just need to stop pretending I can get rid of you completely. I cannot.

We share the same body and I am now accepting that. However, it was mine first, so I will do everything I need to do to protect it. I will stick to my diet and take my medications and vitamins with diligence. I will rest when I need to and stop pushing myself so hard.

I am only a human being. Sometimes, human bodies break and malfunction. That is just life and biology. Nothing in this world is perfect. No one is at fault for causing you. It happens and that is OK. Also, I am no longer that scared 11-year-old girl. I am a lot more mature and confident now. I have been through so much and have learned something every minute.

I cannot ask anything of you. You live on your own terms. I promise I will hold my end of the bargain, though. So, now the ball is in your court. Can we make peace?

Originally published at https://themighty.com.

Writer. Horse Nerd. Fangirl. Chronically in Harmony Founder.